When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
