You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
