the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
