A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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