I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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