Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
