Porn is love you can see.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
