hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
