best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
