This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
