Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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