the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize