sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
