My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
