Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
