The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes