from now on my penis is your penis
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
