I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Randomize
