My girlfriend figured out who you are.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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