from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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