she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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