a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
