i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
