so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
