I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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