one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
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