I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
