god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
