I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
