I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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