She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
