I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
