my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
