Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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