Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
