So drunk, too bad you don't want this
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Hippo gnu deer
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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