Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
