someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
My cat gives me a boner
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
27 Times The Kardashian-Jenner Clan Absolutely Slayed at NYFW
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
They have beer where we have blood.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.