He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
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Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
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Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.