You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD