So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
