There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
