The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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