I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
