My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
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Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
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So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.