I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
These 23 People Share the Worst Advice They’ve Been Given
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.