saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!