I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation