party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
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sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
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Drinking loves me for WHO I am
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.