just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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