She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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