I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
