Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
