Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
