i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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