We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
