My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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