If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
